Back in the day..I wrote this on my myspace blog. Well...I figure it was time to unearth it and repost. So enjoy my bitchiness.....
OK...I get it..Men are from Mars, and Women?
Why, we women are from Venus. Hmm....or so I am told.
So....let me help you all to understand a few things I have found many a guy to be pondering over. We ladies are not so very hard to understand. We view things differently..that's all.
Here is my list...yes...note taking is encouraged.
1. The toilet seat...no, we do not like the feeling of icy, cold, nasty commode water on our asses. It takes a mere moment of effort to lower the damn thing back to it's place. I mean, really, all men have to do is whip out Mr. Pecker, aim (I'll get to this in a moment.) , and FIRE! and of course...the after shake. A mere second of lowering the seat again will not hurt you! Really..it's quite easy!
2. AIMING...come on guys! A lot of you pride yourselves at being a good shot, so why is it this does NOT seem to apply in the freaking bathroom? I mean, seriously..do we need to paint a target in the damn toilet??
3. OK, we are not blind. We notice the same other women you do. Yes, we will, on occasion, tell you she is, in fact, a beautiful woman. No...it is not always followed by us calling her a rampaging whore. and NO..this does not mean we would be open to the idea of making out with her for your amusement, or letting you "join" us in said making out session. Yes..porn is acceptable & enjoyed by some of us, however..life does not always imitate porn. So stop asking! If we feel the urge, trust me, you will be the first to know.
4. And no...not all women are closet bisexuals. No, all women haven't kissed another girl. No..you can't talk us into it. If we have, we have. If we decided to, again, that's up to us. No amount of pleading & convincing will change the fact.
5. Believe it or not, some of us enjoy sports. Quite possibly more than you do. Do not try and make us feel stupid. All it does is piss us off more.
6. No...saying "pull my finger" is not sexy. Neither is farting in bed, and yanking the covers over our head, so that we may breathe in your essence. And might I add that passing gas in a supermarket, store, or any other area that causes you to sprint out of the particular area we are in, yelling our names and snickering is just annoying. It doesn't increase your chances of getting "ass". So for crying out loud..QUIT IT!!
Why, we women are from Venus. Hmm....or so I am told.
So....let me help you all to understand a few things I have found many a guy to be pondering over. We ladies are not so very hard to understand. We view things differently..that's all.
Here is my list...yes...note taking is encouraged.
1. The toilet seat...no, we do not like the feeling of icy, cold, nasty commode water on our asses. It takes a mere moment of effort to lower the damn thing back to it's place. I mean, really, all men have to do is whip out Mr. Pecker, aim (I'll get to this in a moment.) , and FIRE! and of course...the after shake. A mere second of lowering the seat again will not hurt you! Really..it's quite easy!
2. AIMING...come on guys! A lot of you pride yourselves at being a good shot, so why is it this does NOT seem to apply in the freaking bathroom? I mean, seriously..do we need to paint a target in the damn toilet??
3. OK, we are not blind. We notice the same other women you do. Yes, we will, on occasion, tell you she is, in fact, a beautiful woman. No...it is not always followed by us calling her a rampaging whore. and NO..this does not mean we would be open to the idea of making out with her for your amusement, or letting you "join" us in said making out session. Yes..porn is acceptable & enjoyed by some of us, however..life does not always imitate porn. So stop asking! If we feel the urge, trust me, you will be the first to know.
4. And no...not all women are closet bisexuals. No, all women haven't kissed another girl. No..you can't talk us into it. If we have, we have. If we decided to, again, that's up to us. No amount of pleading & convincing will change the fact.
5. Believe it or not, some of us enjoy sports. Quite possibly more than you do. Do not try and make us feel stupid. All it does is piss us off more.
6. No...saying "pull my finger" is not sexy. Neither is farting in bed, and yanking the covers over our head, so that we may breathe in your essence. And might I add that passing gas in a supermarket, store, or any other area that causes you to sprint out of the particular area we are in, yelling our names and snickering is just annoying. It doesn't increase your chances of getting "ass". So for crying out loud..QUIT IT!!
7. While on the subject of farting. Yes....we do it..we know. But we don't make a publicized spectator sport out of it. It's natural..we admit, to pass gas, however...we are not doing it for a perfect score of "10". It just happens. There is no giggling, laughing, or congratulatory high fives. I mean, seriously..give it a rest.
8. Would it actually be too much trouble to ask you to pick up after yourselves? Believe it or not, keeping a house clean isn't as easy as it looks. I'm sure if we could snap our fingers and have everything fall into perfect, spotless order, we would. You may snicker, or even scoff at this one, but maybe it's because you've never been bent over a bathroom sink, scrubbing a million teeny, tiny, itsy bitsy recently shaved hairs out of it..and swearing at the top of your lungs when they never seem to completely go away, after the umpteeth rinsing.
9. No...we are not amused when we find your dirty socks strewn about the house day after day. And even more so, it aggravates us to no end to find them reeking with stench, and stuffed in your shoes. Especially when there are laundry baskets in each and every room of the house, aside from the kitchen and living room. But..my guess is, most of you don't get undressed there. (I said MOST of you!) So...what's the problem?
10. Believe it or not..a little affection would be nice every once in a while. And no..we don't mean the occasional ass pinch, ass slap, or boob grope. For crying out loud, you'd be pissed off too if your body was used for our personal amusement 24/7!
11. F.Y.I. - No, scratching your balls does not need to be a spectator sport. We know you have them, and are quite aware they may itch. But come on, how about a wee little tad of discretion?? Do you really need to do it in full view of everyone at the family reunion?
12. While on the subject of the package..please..no adjusting in public either. Believe me, we know what you have in your pants. Call it a gift, or whatever. There is no need to constantly move it around with your hands, or whatever the hell it is you are doing! In fact, it may gain you a few snickers..especially if you are only using two fingers to do so.
13. Unlike you, we cannot just whip it out on a whim to pee. So stop looking so butthurt when we ask you to stop so we can use the restroom, for crying out loud!
14. No...not all the strippers in a gentleman's club want to bang you. No, they are not all sluts. Many are working there to make a decent living. So, please, stop talking about how they are all whores, etc. It simply isn't true.
15. No....number 4 still ain't happening.
16. Chick flicks will NOT kill you!
17. We appreciate the fact that some women swallow. Different strokes for different folks. But not all women are into it. So, in the defense of those women who are not, lay off the damn sneak attacks. There is no quicker way to get you barfed on, then deciding not to let her know Mr. Stiffy is about to blow! (you may even earn the status of having your junk bitten off. Not cool.)
18. Just so we're clear...providing sperm does not make you a father. There are far too many deadbeat dads out there. Most of the men I know are good fathers, and proudly help in the care & raising of their children, no matter what the circumstances are. Keep in mind, the child didn't ask to be born, so how dare you have the right to turn your back on it. DNA doesn't lie. Enough said!
19. Please, for the love of ass, change the toilet paper roll when it is finished. Its not very hard..and nothing pisses a girl off more than realizing there is no more TP..and we have to drip our way to the cabinet to pull another roll out, because some assclown was too lazy to do the same damn thing.
AND FINALLY...
20. Saying, "I love you" won't, in any way, shape or form, cause you to burst into flame, shame the male brotherhood, or emasculate you. It doesn't hurt to say the words once in a while, if you truly mean it, to your wife, girlfriend, or whatever. HOWEVER..don't just say it, if you do not mean it. That's just cruel, and sorry!
OK..enough bitching from me. Now I must go back to washing the umpteenth load of dirty socks I have collected from around the house.
and ladies..if I missed anything, feel free to add!
8. Would it actually be too much trouble to ask you to pick up after yourselves? Believe it or not, keeping a house clean isn't as easy as it looks. I'm sure if we could snap our fingers and have everything fall into perfect, spotless order, we would. You may snicker, or even scoff at this one, but maybe it's because you've never been bent over a bathroom sink, scrubbing a million teeny, tiny, itsy bitsy recently shaved hairs out of it..and swearing at the top of your lungs when they never seem to completely go away, after the umpteeth rinsing.
9. No...we are not amused when we find your dirty socks strewn about the house day after day. And even more so, it aggravates us to no end to find them reeking with stench, and stuffed in your shoes. Especially when there are laundry baskets in each and every room of the house, aside from the kitchen and living room. But..my guess is, most of you don't get undressed there. (I said MOST of you!) So...what's the problem?
10. Believe it or not..a little affection would be nice every once in a while. And no..we don't mean the occasional ass pinch, ass slap, or boob grope. For crying out loud, you'd be pissed off too if your body was used for our personal amusement 24/7!
11. F.Y.I. - No, scratching your balls does not need to be a spectator sport. We know you have them, and are quite aware they may itch. But come on, how about a wee little tad of discretion?? Do you really need to do it in full view of everyone at the family reunion?
12. While on the subject of the package..please..no adjusting in public either. Believe me, we know what you have in your pants. Call it a gift, or whatever. There is no need to constantly move it around with your hands, or whatever the hell it is you are doing! In fact, it may gain you a few snickers..especially if you are only using two fingers to do so.
13. Unlike you, we cannot just whip it out on a whim to pee. So stop looking so butthurt when we ask you to stop so we can use the restroom, for crying out loud!
14. No...not all the strippers in a gentleman's club want to bang you. No, they are not all sluts. Many are working there to make a decent living. So, please, stop talking about how they are all whores, etc. It simply isn't true.
15. No....number 4 still ain't happening.
16. Chick flicks will NOT kill you!
17. We appreciate the fact that some women swallow. Different strokes for different folks. But not all women are into it. So, in the defense of those women who are not, lay off the damn sneak attacks. There is no quicker way to get you barfed on, then deciding not to let her know Mr. Stiffy is about to blow! (you may even earn the status of having your junk bitten off. Not cool.)
18. Just so we're clear...providing sperm does not make you a father. There are far too many deadbeat dads out there. Most of the men I know are good fathers, and proudly help in the care & raising of their children, no matter what the circumstances are. Keep in mind, the child didn't ask to be born, so how dare you have the right to turn your back on it. DNA doesn't lie. Enough said!
19. Please, for the love of ass, change the toilet paper roll when it is finished. Its not very hard..and nothing pisses a girl off more than realizing there is no more TP..and we have to drip our way to the cabinet to pull another roll out, because some assclown was too lazy to do the same damn thing.
AND FINALLY...
20. Saying, "I love you" won't, in any way, shape or form, cause you to burst into flame, shame the male brotherhood, or emasculate you. It doesn't hurt to say the words once in a while, if you truly mean it, to your wife, girlfriend, or whatever. HOWEVER..don't just say it, if you do not mean it. That's just cruel, and sorry!
OK..enough bitching from me. Now I must go back to washing the umpteenth load of dirty socks I have collected from around the house.
and ladies..if I missed anything, feel free to add!
